Single Mums Business Network [SMBN CIC]

As I approach the anniversary of losing my father last year (29/11), I have reflected on the life lessons that he taught me, and the trauma that you experience when somebody loves you, but they do not choose you. Learning to see love in its different forms is a powerful and painful lesson of life.

I think of my community; as I have touched upon throughout the year, with the #weriseanyway campaign, that our reality is one of rejection. Whether by banks, landlords, the person you love, an employer deciding that you are too awkward with your childcare needs, or simply letting you go when you finally break down, and then the judgment of others deciding that you are too great a risk, not worth the risk, and the social stigma that you have made a lifestyle choice and are lazy at heart.

My heart goes out to my community this time of year, as I know they work so hard, put on a brave face every day, despite judgement and misconceptions, carrying this deep deep pain as they face another Christmas alone, doing all that they can to create a magical atmosphere for their children. As many will be forced to turn to UC, and sit in front of a person with inadequate life experiencing explaining the barriers to 48 weeks of availability, it is not an explanation for this blog, if you know you know, if you don’t, I pray you never will.

I am sending love, a big hug, some understanding and compassion, and that is what is at the heart of the SMBN, we just know, we get it, we do not complain, we focus on the outcome, striving to remove barriers to work, homes and finance, whilst living with that undercurrent of rejection, pain, and loneliness. I always stuck to my guns about calling the SMBN the ‘Single Mums Business Network’ as it is the term ‘Single Mum’ that carries the most judgement, and whilst many members are widowed, or struggle to identify with that title, it is that title that people see when you apply for something as a sole income household, your back story of ‘why’ is rarely seen or heard, they just see you alone, with children, and they reject you, and that is why I try so hard to support my community, to change the narrative, to showcase all of the amazing hard-working, smart, intelligent women and happy children who deal with all of this on a daily basis but yet constantly hear when they meet somebody new ‘oh, you don’t LOOK like a single mum’, and that is because that is how we are portrayed, as easily recognisable spongers of society. It is with that I tell you I see you, I hear you, and we are working hard to change that.

And then there is the love, the rejection, and navigating the pain. My father loved me more than life, but he chose another life, and that was his freedom to live his own existence, to be human, for years I wondered why he would choose other women rather than come home, but as a woman I learned that love is not that simple, and quite honestly I had a happy home. My most amazing Christmas was when Dad came with his partner and mum with hers, it was so big of them both (their partners too) to accept that the separation of this couple did not mean the separation of our family. Dad loved me, but he had his own life to live, and to love somebody is not to own them, it is simply to love them, and accept their right to their own journey.

Rejection in every sense is pain, and our community face rejection in abundance on a daily basis, and so we share this inherent knowing, whilst mucking on through and doing our best for our children. I send each and every one of you love, and please trust that you are good enough, even if you do not feel that way, you are, and you will be okay.

Community is crucial in life, the SMBN, and my wider community have been my own steri-strips on many occasion, stopping me from bleeding out as I walk this path with you.. Inside the SMBN we have a monthly zoom and some special events, just to love and protect our pack, and you are welcome to join us, but meanwhile, may you live in abundance of Courage, Cashflow and Compassion, with these 3 magic C’s you will be fulfilled and happy, and will be better placed to manage grief when it comes, as it always comes, but together we heal.

So Dad, I will be grieving you again this week, as I grieved you last year, and grieved you as a child, but I love you, I have always loved you, and I know you loved me too, and I know that you are looking down on me, and I will continue to do my best to make you proud, as I know you were.